My little man

May 24, 2009, Gus passed away. This little dog stole my heart and losing him broke it. I was never much of a little dog fan. I found them to be yippie, shakey, peeing on the floor, and bothersome. When my husband told me this little guy needed a home I was against it. He brought him home anyway and I was smitten. The little guy looked like he just woke up all the time. His hair was white and it stood in all directions. He sat next to me on the couch and leaned in. That is bow it was for two years. We took him everywhere. He traveled with us, road on the Sea-doo, in the buggy and in the jeep. When he died it was completely unexpected. They thought he had been poisenex but that was ruled out. The only other answer was that his genes had produced kidneys that were not built to last. We tried all that we could but there was no hope. I held him as he passed and have been crying ever since.
He is, was perfect and I miss him. I will never forget him and will always love him. For Gus.

Why should it bother me?

I really don't know why it should bither me like it does. But it really bothers me. She absolutely hates me and I have done everything I can to be friendly and help her.. Connie waged war against me since the day I got there. Hell, it was probably before I got there. She actively engaged in such a hateful campaign. She is stupid, diffi hot to deal with, and I let her hat bother me. Maybe it is not so much her hate as iris the fear that everyone else hates me.

It goes back to the time when it was ok to wipe me off the planet. To use me as a semen recepticle and toss me aside like tissue. I worry that it will go back to those days. I can bury myself but when someone hates like that, it is far reaching. Who would dare to befriend the hated?

I let it eat at me. There is truly nothing I could have done to change it's course. Connie cannot work with women. She is old, ignorant, obtuse, and can't hold her own. That is why she hates. To level the playing field she assails your character and demonizes your existance. Many people know this, many do not. What toxic sludge to wade in.

I have always feared and worried that I am despised. It doesn't benefit me when I do this. I try to do "right" and hate it when I fail. Then I get angry at them. This is even worse and makes my life hell.

Again I ask myself, why do I let it bother me?

Challenges

It is always a new challenge for me. Every day there is something new, new way to look at a problem, different ways to try and fix the problem and learning from my mistakes. I also realize that it does bother me. It bothers me that I was not so successful, it bothers me that it received such criticism, criticism from people that know nothing about it, what happened who all was involved, it bothers me.
The little games are bothersom. Not so much because the game hurt me, but the fact that theywant to play the game shows how I failed. And right now there is little to do to make them change their mind. Time is a good thing. Let the ruffled feathers settle. There us little I can do currently. I can wait.

Taft Tunnel

There is this wonderful bike trail that runs across Idaho and Montana called the Hiawatha Trail. It was built for a passenger train in the early 1900's and carried people from Chicago to Seattle for several decades. In the 1980's it was no longer profitable to run trains along this route and the company that owned the train went under. By the 1990's the new owners of the property decided to remove all of the tracks and create the bike trail. It runs several miles, goes through dozens of tunnels, and crosses just as many trellises.

At the beginning of the trail there is a long tunnel, the Taft tunnel. It is over a mile and one half long. At the east entrance there is a slight curve, once it straightens out you can see a tiny pin prick of light which is the exit. It is pitch black in the tunnel and if you don't have a flashlight you cannot see anything, except that tiny pin prick of light. The tunnel is so long it seems to last forever and the little bit of light doesn't get any bigger for the longest time. As you bike your way to the exit the light starts to enter the tunnel but you still need the flashlight. Just before you exit, the light floods in and washes over you. The air is fresher and the sun is the brightest you have ever seen. Everyone stops at this point, they are putting their flashlights away, putting their feet in the little water fall, and enjoying the sun.

I remember the day when I was started following the light.

It was around Christmas time and I was hysterical, again, looking at the ornaments on my Christmas tree. Suddenly I was tired of all of the crap and I could see a small glimmer of hope. I remember taking the ornaments off the tree, crying, and thinking about how much I had lied to myself. I was tired of lying to myself and was going to stop. This was where I made it past the bend in the tunnel and was heading to the light.

I had been angry at everyone and anyone that had hurt me for far to long, I said to myself, and it had gotten me no where. I also realized that I had been making everything worse by lying to myself. Every time that Bastard came by I lied to myself as to what was really going on. These lies were much more damaging than any lie or the sum of all of his lies. But it wasn't just the Bastard and those lies that were the problem. I had been looking at the world through the eyes of a victim.

I saw myself as a victim in every aspect. I was the victim of a murder attempt, a rape, an unjust class system, the popularity contest, sexism, economic oppression, and bad parenting. I never saw how I aggravated my situation, never realized what I said to myself made everything true to me. That day I did.

Although I was crying while I put away the Christmas tree, it wasn't the usual self pity cry. I was feeling relief for the first time in a decade. It felt as if I had been spinning in that dark tunnel for years, wandering around, hitting the walls and falling down, and happened to see that little pin prick of light. When I saw that light, I started taking small steps towards it. It was something that I could focus on, a goal to be reached. I was determined to reach that tiny pin prick of light, it was the hope I needed.

And now for something different....

Today is somewhat better. But the bigger challange is to NOT THINK ABOUT IT. Leave work at work, be home when at home.

I have decided to make a few bird houses before spring so they are ready. I am going to prepare a plan for a vegetable garden. I will work on my photo album of the family for a bit. I might string some beads on thread. Just do something different.

Something that keeps this small mind occupied long enough that it doesn't want to wander back to that place.

I found plans for a bird house. I have looked at some gardening books from the library. I have some crap on my craft table that needs to be moved before I can get the pictures done. BUT, it is about doing something different. To the living room I go with my sketch pad so I can plot out my vegetable garden. I am going to try the "three sisters."

The three sisters is where you plant corn, beans and winter squash together. The corn acts as the trellis for the beans, the beans puts nitrogen in the soil at the root of the corn, and the squash's giant leaves act like a living much to keep the ground cool and the weeds low.

Something different.

It is worse. I don't know if it is that point, you know, darkest before the dawn, but it is dark. And all this darkness is coming home with me.

I feel that I cannot do anything g right. This is a very self absorbed statement, but just when I feel I am on the right track I do something that causes people to get pissed at me. People hold the weirdest things against me. I have been told that the way I shrug my shoulders was comdesending, how I have flicked my hand was so rude that they thought of telling me to leave.

A flick of a hand? These hands must be powerful. And to wait until much later to say it to
Me, as if not saying g anything was doing me such a favor.

Everthing you heard is true

The last post I put on my blog was two months ago. I haven't put anything else there because I have been consumed by my job. WHAT THE FUCK?? I hate it and when I get home it is all I obsess over. I try to think of ways to improve my performance, try to reach the women I supervise, try to make a difference. I have lost sleep, sex drive, and creativity over this shit. And this Friday it dawned on me, there is nothing I can do to change it.

It is true, people that work for the state are often the worst people to employ. They are known for being lazy and stupid and making things much more worse. When most people start working for the state, they want just a job and they are usually directed to where family works. People that work for any state agency are not thinking of how they will improve the world, just about the retirement, paycheck, job security, and vacation.

That is true for where I work. When I was promoted to the position I hold now one of the people I supervised transferred, leaving a vacancy. I was not allowed to be involved with hiring this replacement. I was too new and no one wanted to "burden" me with this task. I tried to be involved but was rejected. The person they hired is an idiot. She has no concept of managing a caseload, cannot prioritize, and is mean. I have tried real hard to teach her but it was rejected. The other lady I supervise is more stupid, lazy, and is a dinosaur. She fits into one of those protected categories, a category that is not based on the content of character.

It has been an uphill battle with these two. Since the beginning, I have leaned heavily on my supervisor for guidance and direction. I want to do it right, I want to be effective, I want to make a change. I have done everything he has suggested, and I have often done things repeatedly. Every effort has been fruitless. A few weeks ago my supervisor proved true to his reputation: a two faced, back stabbing idiot. I didn't want to believe it, I wanted to believe that I was different and he would not do that to me, but he did. I was hurt by it but was much more disappointed in myself for not seeing it coming. This Friday, it confirmed it even more and has given me more answers.

I was talking with him about one of the women that work for me. She tries everything to get out of her work. I had been absent the day previously and she went to him whining about some work she didn't want to do. And he bought into it. He gave her what she wanted. I was frustrated to say the least. I was sitting there talking with him about it and he was stating that she does this all the time and he now understands how other people have had difficulty with her. AND HE DIDN'T GET IT!!! HE GAVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED, HE LET HER CIRCUMVENT THE CHAIN OF COMMAND AND HE HAS BEEN DOING THIS WITH HER FOR AS LONG AS SHE HAS BEEN THERE.

That is when it dawned on me. Not only have I had to battle with the new and mean idiot, and battle with this dinosaur that resents not getting the promotion I received, but my supervisor has been undermining my authority with these two women since day one. He is more than two faced, more than a back stabber, he is a horrible manager that has no concept of his inability, short comings, stupidity, and how easily he is manipulated. That all she does, stroke is fragile ego and he does what she wants. Not only does he does this with her, he does it with our "clients". He is more than stupid, he is dangerous and doesn't realize it.

So no wonder it has been hell. Why would you listen to someone when you see that no one listens to them? WHY? He has laid the groundwork for mutiny and can't see what he has done. He has done it for years.

What an idiot.

So, after my revelation what can I do? That answer is: leave. Talking with him doesn't work, I have done it before and he doesn't listen. He is never wrong in his mind. Working with the women is fruitless, it has been nine months with very little progress. Let them fail.

When I took this position I did it only to progress, gain experience and move on. I never intended to stay. I had said I would stick around for a year but I don't feel that I should be held to that if they fail to uphold their end of the deal.

The first chance I get, I am gone.

So, everything you have heard about state workers is true. I know it doesn't put me in a positive light but it is honest.